If you know me and my stories, you know I mostly write epic and urban fantasy, sometimes sci-fi, and occasionally horror. My stories may contain elements of romance, but romance is it’s own category which I’ve never written in.
So it was quite a surprise when I got drafted at gunpoint (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little) into participating in the Romance Gauntlet. Thanks to Dave Versace and Rob Porteous, who themselves were led astray by the esteemed MC Dr Craig Cormack, we found ourselves on stage and staring down the reading barrel of three professional romance authors and the potential for devastatingly good erotica to destroy our careers via on-stage humiliation.
The idea of the gauntlet was to pit three romance writers against three speculative fiction writers to see which group wrote the best romance. And of course, part of the game was to be as steamy as possible while still being legal in public.
It was also guys against girls – honour was at stake for both sides.
Not being romance writers, we mere males had to pull out all stops, and every trick we could beg, borrow and steal.
The result was a surprising and overwhelming draw (according to the girls… which means… bwahahah!!!). While I’d love to publish Rob and Dave’s readings, not to mention Donna’s, Nicole’s and Darcy’s (they’re all awesome), you’ll have to satisfy yourself with just mine.
As you read, imagine how this went over when the audience was expecting a simple reading (the bracketed text was stage/acting notes – not for the audience):
In-Sync
Good afternoon, and thank you for coming to the Mad Scientist’s Romance Gauntlet!
<PUTS WIG ON>
Every Mad Scientist / Salesman needs Crazy hair.
I’m here to sell you all orgasms!
Yes, that’s right, I have a romantic innovation that will change your life.
First, let me provide some context about why this innovation is so incredible.
The purpose of romance, biologically speaking, is to bring two people together, and to keep them together long enough to reproduce and raise the next generation of humans.
Therefore, romance is essential to human survival, particularly as parents who stay together, historically speaking, are generally more successful than those who don’t.
Evolution favours strong relationships.
Biology, unfortunately, works in an entirely different way.
Reproductive success for a man requires an orgasm.
An orgasm, however, is not essential to a woman’s reproduce capabilities.
Biologically speaking: women got duded.
While nature sometimes provides odd triggers for an orgasm in individuals… for example, I met a woman who gets off every time she brushes her teeth, and another who can stroke her ears to induce orgasm, on the whole it takes sexual stimulation, but even that doesn’t always work.
So I’ve fixed the problem using nanotechnology. I created a product that ensures that if one partner has an orgasm, so does the other.
I call it In-Sync.
With In-Sync, whenever one partner feels pleasurable sensations, the other will too.
Every. Single. Time.
To illustrate the effectiveness of In-Sync, I’m going to provide a demonstration.
In preparation, I’ve injected both myself and my wife with In-Sync nanotechnology.
I intend to show you how a simple sensation like fingertips across your arm or neck can be felt by the other person.
Will you come on stage please honey?
<PAUSES – WAITING>
Give me a second please.
<PULLS PHONE FROM POCKET>
Honey? Oh, you’ve just changed the baby’s nappy. No, no, that’s fine.
<PUTS PHONE AWAY>
Slight delay. Let me tell you a bit more about In-Sync.
In-Sync sends nanites to your nerve endings. The nanites broadcast any pleasurable sensations you feel to the synced nanites your partner has.
This means you physically feel what your partner feels.
In-Sync, of course, only broadcasts sensuous feelings. You won’t feel each other’s pain… unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing. But you’ll need to pay extra.
<REACHES FOR RIGHT SIDE OF CHEST>
What the…?
<PULLS OUT PHONE>
Honey? What are you doing?
Oh! I see. Um, sure. No problems.
<PUTS PHONE AWAY>
She’s ran into an issue and won’t be able to join us now.
Unfortunately that puts a bit of a dint in my demonstration.
<MASSAGES CHEST>
Is it getting hot in here?
<STARTS BREATHING DEEPLY>
<PULLS OUT PHONE AGAIN>
Um, Honey? What’s going on?
<PAUSES>
Really? You never told me it felt like that.
<BEGIN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY MOMENT>
Can you possibly take a break for just a couple of minutes?
Of course you can’t. What I meant was, can you try to put a lid on those sensations?
<REACHES FOR THIGH>
That really feels good, doesn’t it?
Uh, is there anyone nearby who can perhaps bring you a bag of ice? I’m on stage, and it’s getting a little… heated.
<ADDRESSES AUDIENCE – STRUGGLES TO SPEAK>
In-Sync is also great for phone sex. Not that that’s what’s happening.
<WHEN HARRY MET SALLY MOMENT GETS MORE URGENT>
Um, Honey? I really need you to find that ice.
<FAN’S FACE>
Are you nearly finished?
<DEEP CALMING BREATH>
Oh dear…
<CRIES OUT – SHUDDERS – BITES FINGER>
I mentioned earlier that certain things get certain people off, right? Apparently, some women get off from nipple stimulation, such as when a baby feeds.
<PULLS OUT PHONE – LISTENS>
You what? You want to have another baby?
<GLANCES AT CROWD – WINKS>
Yeah. Sure. Me too.
